Ah, napping.

It is an obsession.

I am working on making it less of an obsession. But when you think your baby needs to sleep for his own health and well-being, as well as for your own mental health, you can spend inordinate amounts of time rocking, shushing, singing, and patting. You can spend hours each day. And sometimes it doesn't matter. Sometimes the little devil just won't nap.

I love my little devil.

And I'm working on trying to separate reality from the sleep books I've been reading lately. I noted in an earlier post that one very knowledgeable parenthood blogger advised that parents of children under the age of six months should simply burn all the sleep books that their child has not read. And I am just now starting to understand why. All those books (and I have read or skimmed so many of them) present strategies and ideology for babies who fall into certain particular categories. Usually the category is: The Author's Kids. Except for Dr. Weissbluth, whose book is actually based on the science of sleep but whose prescriptions are so assertive that readers may feel that they are actually harming their children if they don't nap and sleep as he suggests they ought to.

My baby does not take a reliable series of naps. Some (several) of his naps last less than a half hour. And sometimes he does seem overtired, which is when I ought to try to get him to nap. But he is thriving and there is no reason for me to go berserk trying to get him to nap.

Here's what's been happening for the past while: Jupiter has been awake for at least an hour but less than two (a la Weissbluth) and he starts yawning or rubbing his eyes or fussing, or some combination of these behaviors that signal tiredness. So we head upstairs to his darkened nursery, I turn on the white noise machine and sit in the glider and we sing for five minutes, or until he is relaxed on my shoulder. Then I start shushing gently until he falls asleep, usually between 5-10 minutes. And then I lay him in his crib. Sometimes he stays asleep. Sometimes he doesn't. Sometimes he sleeps for 10 minutes. Sometimes for an hour. It's totally erratic. But I've become a bit neurotic about his sleep, so if the nap doesn't materialize or lasts for less than a half hour I worry that he'll get overtired. So we go back downstairs and, usually within the hour, he starts exhibiting tired behaviors again. So up we go, to the nursery, and on and on.

All these sleep books make you feel like you're solely responsible for getting your kid to nap a certain number of hours per day. If you don't, you've failed and your kid is going to suffer from ADHD or depression or something because he's spent his entire first year of life chronically overtired.

I've decided that's hooey.

You can not make your baby sleep. You can provide the right atmosphere and help him off to sleep when he's ready. Getting to know when he's ready is something parents have to learn, but other than that it's up to the baby. And being flexible is key. Right now Jupiter is sleeping in his car seat, in the house. He had refused to nap earlier today so we decided to go ahead and run our errands with him anyway. We put him in his car seat while we ate a quick lunch and voila, he fell asleep. On his own. Because he was ready and comfortable (fed, dry, relaxed, unstimulated). Which isn't to say that this will work all the time. Or ever again.

That's the key: there is no answer. For people like me, people who want to solve the world's problems and find systems for everything, this is downright effing maddening. But I'm learning to deal. Of course, it's easier to say this when he's sleeping and I'm not dazed from exhaustion after a day of no naps for him or me. But I have to keep it in mind.

Babies are not robots with little on/off switches. By three months of age, they have preferences and desires and taking naps is usually not one of them. Lots of babies don't nap well. That's why there are so many popular books telling exhausted parents how to make it happen. It shouldn't be this hard. I can not spend the next four months pleading and begging my baby to nap, spending hours in a dark nursery rocking for hours per day. That is not life, and (this is not something you're supposed to say but I know it's true for nearly everyone) it makes me resent this little darling boy.

So. Message to me and everyone who reads this who has or will have a baby in your life: RELAX.

And read this little piece of advice from Ask Moxie over and over and over again, as well as the linked post and its comments:

When he's 5 or 5 1/2 months old, it'll all change. Read the comments on this post and absolve yourself.

Here's what I think you should do, right now, today. First, round of all the baby sleep books you have. Put the ones that your son has read and has agreed to follow in one pile, and the ones that your son hasn't read in another pile. Take that second pile and put it in a kitchen garbage bag and put that bag either 1) in the way way back of a closet to pull out when your son is 8 years old and read and laugh at, or 2) in the paper recycling bin.

Now, put your baby in the stroller or wrap or sling or what-have-you and forget about his naps, just for this one day (or tomorrow, if you're a planner). Pop in on that new moms' group you always wanted to go to but couldn't because of the !@#$%ing naps. Or call a friend (with kids or without) and meet for lunch. Go to a cafe and have an iced coffee and bring along a book and if your son falls asleep, read your book. (OK, magazine--Who are we kidding about your ability to concentrate on plot right now?)

Let today not be about naps. Your son will probably end up getting the same amount of sleep he would have if you'd stayed home and tortured yourself, only *you* will feel like a human being instead of some inadequate robot.