Worry is the work of pregnancy

This is one of the most important things I have learned so far.

I've been reading Birthing From Within and the authors say that one of the keys to a successful birth (meaning, a birth that proceeds at least somewhat along the lines of what you envision for yourself, whatever that may mean) is allowing yourself to worry. This is not stress I'm talking about. A great seminar-leader once advised that you should not stress about the things you have no power over, but rather you should spend that energy to take action on the things that you can change or influence. So when the authors suggest that I worry, what they mean is that I should worry productively.

How does one worry productively? It's not simple positive thinking, the wearing of rose-colored glasses, the self-encouragement that things will turn out just fine. And it's not worrying for the sake of worrying, the kind of worry that will leave you feeling breathless. Instead, it's more like a process of taking inventory of your fears, imagining how each scenario might play out, and envisioning how you would cope. It's like building a coping toolbox to take into labor - like already coming to terms with some of the things that might happen and determining in advance how you might try to remain calm and thoughtful. You try to imagine these things so that when they happen you can say, "I've thought about this. I can make it through this."

Rather than burdened with unacknowledged, suppressed fears, you enter labor fully aware of what you're scared of, having begun the process of facing your fears. Knowing what you're fearful of, apparently, will serve you better than stuffing all that fear away into a place where it threatens to emerge at a terribly crucial moment. The start of this process is to ask yourself: What are my big questions about birth? What do I need to know to feel safe? What do I fear will go wrong? Why do I fear it? What would I do if it happened?

So, what am I afraid of?

My own body. The medicalization of birth has convinced me and most every other woman of the inadequacy of our bodies to do what they need to do. Women die in childbirth. Babies die in childbirth. Strange things happen. Home or hospital, there is always the fear that our bodies will not perform. Even with all the technologies of modern medicine (or, perhaps, because of these technologies) we worry.

The judgment of my family. The decision to have a home birth was easy and natural for me. It fit with how I feel about birth (it's a natural process), hospitals (I hate them), healthcare (I don't think we should indulge in unneccessary, expensive care), and family (closeness in the home). I did lots of research into the safety of home births, the education of midwives, the risks involved, and the benefits. I live in very, very close proximity to a hospital in case we should need to be transported. Still, I do not have the support of my closest family members. I'm working on it.

My midwife's ability to know when something is wrong. Doctor or midwife, I think all women facing the mystery of birth have some trouble placing complete trust in their caretakers. This has nothing to do with my choice of a midwife over a doctor, and everything to do with our inability to see into our bodies. I would like x-ray vision as a birthday gift, but I don't think that's going to happen.

So these are the questions I will be facing over the next four months. I will be imagining worst case scenarios, writing them down, and working them out. It's worth a try.

Interestingly, I am not afraid of the pain of labor. I know, I know. I can hear those mothers amongst you: JACKIE, YOU HAVE NO IDEA. To which I reply, again: I know. But that is one of those things I can't do anything about. IT WILL HAPPEN. I look at it like running a marathon, or biking 150 miles - I have signed up for this, and now I have to do it. I actually kind of look forward to it.

You probably think I'm nuts.

I think I just enjoy a good challenge. Especially when there's such a sweet prize at the end.